known

This morning as we all rose & began preparing ourselves for the day, it was quickly apparent that Bruno had woken up feeling a little 'fragile'.  As we had breakfast, said goodbye to Dad,  & began to get dressed for kindy there were several grumpy moments.  Finally, in a huff Bruno stormed off to his bedroom, where his little whimpers soon turned into deep sobs & wails of, 'Where's my daddy?  I want my daddy. I WANT MY DADDY!'  I did my best to comfort him (while still in a mad rush to get to kindy on time) but I knew that only a cuddle with his daddy would really give him what he needed.  I can empathize - I remember times when I was little where I just wanted 'my mummy'.  No-one else would do, & although I might allow another adult to settle me,  in my heart I didn't feel truly comforted until I was back in my mother's arms.

A few days ago, I was having coffee with a close friend & sharing about something difficult I experienced, with my family, during my teenage years & early 20's.  It was something I hadn't thought about for quite some time & in the days following, I found myself thinking not only about what I had shared with my friend, but the many other incidents surrounding this 'situation'.  Experiences that (at the time) I didn't think your average, nice Christian kid, in your average, nice Christian family, would usually encounter.  How could I ever explain to someone what its like to see your parents & siblings being hurt in that way?   All the bizarre experiences, the difficulties, & dramas that we went through, as individual family members, during this time?  'No-one will ever know',  I thought, 'maybe if they've been through it too.  But its still different. No-one really knows what its like to be me & stand where I've stood.'  It had been so long since I'd thought about that period of my life,  but it stirred up an old, familiar sadness.  'No one will ever know'. 

When I was 17, I fell in love with this guy - he was my first love.  I knew, without a doubt, that he was 'the one' & I wanted to be with him for always.  When he broke up with me a year later my little 18 year old heart was broken.  I felt unloveable, rejected.  I actually grieved like someone had died.  During that time I found myself thinking, 'I'm alone in this.  No one will ever understand.  No one will ever know.'

I know I'm not unique in having these thoughts & feelings.  We all go through times of darkness and pain. The difficulty is in the isolation we can experience during that time.  The realization that no other person completely understands exactly what I am experiencing.  My first name means 'God is watching'.  At times, it is easy to imagine that He is indeed watching, but from afar, distant & unfeeling. My Bible suggests otherwise.

Psalm 147 v 3 - He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 34 v 18 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 56 v 8 (The Msg) - You've kept track of my every toss & turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in Your ledger, each ache written in Your book.

This morning, like Bruno I woke up feeling 'fragile'; sad for no particular reason. In my life, I have experienced both difficulty and pain, and wonderful moments of joy & peace.  I live a life of purpose and know that I am so blessed, and I am (mostly) content.  But underneath all of that, I experience this longing.  Just below the surface,  it remains.   I have this recurring dream where this old guy gives me a hug.  Now, in reality, I'm not big on the hugging thing, but in my dream, it is a wonderful thing.  In his embrace, I feel known & loved and I never want him to let go.  After having this same dream several times, I began to realize that the 'old guy' was really a glimpse of my longing for God.  This morning, as I heard Bruno cry, my heart echoed his sobs of, 'Where's my daddy?  I want my daddy!'  Sometimes, when I feel like I am all alone in this, my greatest longing is to be known & loved, in my Father's embrace.  Like my dreams, that last mere moments, I can only grasp fleetingly the love & fulfillment to be found in Him.  But as I long for my Father, I have hope that one day I will see Him face to face & understand fully what it is to be truly known.

Psalm 73 vs 25-26 - Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

1 Corinthians 13 v 12 - For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part: then I shall know fully, even as I am FULLY KNOWN. 

The following youtube clip is Brooke Fraser singing 'C.S. Lewis Song'

watching and waiting . . .

It was 4 o'clock in the morning & I could hear the rain falling outside.  I'd been awake for hours - unable to sleep because of the unrest inside me.  I crept out from underneath my mosquito net & knelt down on the dusty, wooden floorboards.  What was I doing here? I'd come to Tonga, thinking I would be able to give so much.  Instead I was so broken & empty inside, there was nothing to give.  Like I had done so many times before, I cried out to God.  'I need You.  Please help me.  Please take this burden away.  Take this darkness from me.' & then I fell silent, waiting.  I wanted to be whole, I wanted to be a free & happy person.  I knew this was something bigger than I was capable of fixing.  And so, like I felt  I'd been doing for so long, I waited.

We are all waiting for something.  Constrained by the limits of time, we spend our lives waiting.  Every day we find ourselves waiting for a red light to turn green,  stuck in a long queue at the supermarket,  looking forward to the time when our toddler no longer needs to be in nappies.  All trivial stuff.  But what about the bigger things? The young lady waiting to see if the invasive & painful surgeries, chemotherapy & radiation treatments have been successful,  a couple, trying to conceive, anxiously waiting & hoping that this will be the month, an elderly couple having lived a long, hard life, tired now, just waiting . . .

I have learned that there is nothing quite like sharing the company of a couple of busy preschoolers all day, to make me realize I really am not a very patient person.  I seem to be endlessly waiting for them - and on them! However, I know that in order for them to learn, sometimes I have to allow them to work things out for themselves & then practice over and over and over and over . . . .  & sometimes that takes a LOT of patience! But we expect that, right? They are just little people after all.

Waiting for God is a whole other story. The way I see it He's God Almighty.  All-knowing, all-present, & most importantly all-powerful God!  He can do anything.  At the snap of His fingers . . . He doesn't even have to snap His fingers & its done.  And I'm His child, right?  So, its not unreasonable to suggest that any kind, loving parent would give their kid what they need . . .  is it?   I'm not even talking about wants  - I mean, I get that if I ask Him to let me win the Lotto, or to randomly be given some flashy new car when the one I have is just fine, that maybe He's not going to give it to me.  But what about when we come to God in genuine need  - asking for healing from an illness, some kind of intervention in a marriage that is going under,  help when we don't even know how we will pay the bills this week . . .and instead of seeing Him answer the way any good parent should, we find silence and are left waiting. 

In those times of waiting, I think we have three choices.  Firstly, we can throw our hands up in frustration & disgust & walk away.  In this instance I have found myself overcome by a sense of hopelessness & dismay and anger towards God. 'I'm nothing to Him. He doesn't care about me.  He's sitting there in His lofty heights & has forgotten I even exist.'
We can try to force His hand, attempting to manipulate Him into making a move.  'Come on, can't You see I need this?  Don't You love me? If You really loved me, You'd do something!' 
There is a third option.  And that's to keep on waiting.  When you are waiting for something that you NEED, that can actually be a very difficult, even painful experience.  Why would we keep waiting?  Why should we keep trusting?  What is there to hold onto when we all we can do is wait?

His promises. 

Isaiah 30 v 18  - Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!

Psalm 40 v 1 - I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.

Isaiah 64 v 4 - Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him.

It can be hard waiting, especially when we can't see how things will work out, when we are hurting, when we have been waiting for so long. But when we remember Who He is, a God of love & compassion who listens to His children, we can wait knowing that He won't let us down.  Even though our circumstances would suggest otherwise, we can rest in Him, knowing that He will be faithful to come through.

Habakkuk 3 v 16b - 17  -  . . . Yet I will wait patiently . . . though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour.

Psalm 5 v 3 - In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.

Micah 7 v 7 - But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Saviour; MY GOD WILL HEAR ME.

As I knelt on the floor in the darkness, I wondered if God even heard my cry, if He would ever take away the hurting.  I opened my Bible & stumbled on this glimmer of hope - Psalm 118 v 5 - In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and He answered by setting me free. It has been a long & difficult journey but He has been faithful to me, bringing healing & lifting me out of the darkness.  And I believe that He is a kind & loving parent who longs to give His kids what we need, in His time.

Ecclesiastes 3 v 11 - He has made all things beautiful in His time.



Recently I heard international speaker, Joel Holm speak on 'Waiting for God' which has helped me further my understanding on the subject & helped shape my ideas, expressed here.  If you want to learn more from this awesome guy here's a link to his own blog. www.starthope.com