eyes always watching . . .

One thing i love about being a mum is the fact that i can be completely myself with my kids.  I mean, with Bugsy, i can dance around the lounge to 'hi-five' like a crazy woman (i don't dance - not even in front of my husband) and she is absolutely delighted. I can make up silly songs that don't rhyme or really even make sense & she thinks they are the greatest songs in the world.  & we love to laugh together loudly when one of us does a particularly musical 'parp'. I love the fact that she is still young enough to think that i am amazing. She watches me as i get ready in the morning & when i'm putting on my make-up, she wants 'pretty eyes' too.  She has even started using expresions like 'cool man' or 'omygosh' - phrases she has learned from me.  I've heard people say that kids are like sponges.  Just soaking up; absorbing, everything they see & hear.  & thats the problem isn't it?  A couple of weeks ago i lost my temper & yelled (i mean YELLED) at my husband & used language that precious little ears should never be subjected to.  The very same mother who is always saying 'in our family we don't use loud, shouting voices', when Bugsy gets over-excited or decides to throw a tantrum. Talk about confusing. When it was all over, I apologized to my husband but i also had to apologize to Bugsy. Which brings me to these verses:

It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin - Luke 17 v 2


Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly - James 3 v 1

And as parents of little kiddies, we are their teachers.  And you can talk to them about values & the right way to behave until you're blue in the face.  But they learn most about what you truely value by observing you in every day life. Conversations & interactions with your friends, the way in which you relate with your husband, what you choose to watch on t.v. or listen to on the radio when they're in your presence.  Or how you handle situations when the pressure is on.  Those verses are pretty heavy & its HARD.  For me its the times like when i'm late for an appointment & stuck on the highway behind an old biddy who is convinced that the speed limit is not 100k at all, its 50.  Or when i'm in the middle of cooking tea & one kid needs their nappy changed & the other one is eating the cat food. Sometimes i feel like wretched Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'  . . . "eyes always watching . . ." And i think it would be very tempting to just throw in the towel except for two facts.  I have children who are very forgiving & a God who is unfailingly gracious, who 'arms me with strength & makes my way perfect' (Ps. 18 v 32).

learning as i go

it was a beautiful mid-summers day & i was sitting on the beach listening to my sister & sister-in-law discuss the 'joys' of having babies.  The leaking boobs, sleepless nights, tearing during childbirth . . .   i distinctly remember saying 'and thats just one of the reasons i want to adopt'. It reaffirmed my feeling that pregnancy, childbirth & all they entail just weren't for me.  I'll be honest . . . it sounded painful & scary & generally unpleasant.  Yes, i'm a selfish person.  And even as a child, i was never baby crazy - unlike my sisters.  i had no real desire to hold people's babies. Occasionally someone did make the mistake of placing their child in my arms. It was inevitable that the very same baby who had smiled & cooed while being in my sisters' arms would suddenly turn to a purple, screaming mess the moment i took hold of them.  Can babies smell fear? Even as an adult i became an expert at avoiding eye contact with the baby's owner if they came near me or would politely pat the child & say something expected like 'o, isn't he cute' with as much 'genuine' enthusiasm i could muster. so, it was slightly ironic returning home from my beach holiday to discover less than a week later that i was indeed pregnant. so here i am a little over two years down the track with two little monkeys.  its been interesting to say the least. i have discovered that the whole baby thing is much more fulfilling and rewarding, and so much more challenging than i could ever have imagined .  & i wouldn't trade it for anything.