in His arms

i looked down at my little boy tonight - running nose & tear-streaked face.  He was finally sleeping as i held him in my arms.  He'd had a busy day . . .  bouncing around in his jolly jumper, kicking about on the floor, being snuggled a little too tightly by his over-zealous 2-year old sister, and jostled through the supermarket in his front pack, amongst other activities.  He was seriously short on some decent nap-time and was letting it be known that he was desperate for sleep.  I'd fed him, changed his nappy, put him in his pj's & sleeping bag, and tucked him into his cot but he was still protesting. Loudly.  Even having his bottom patted just wasn't going to cut it tonight.  I picked him up, held him close, gently rocked him with a few 'shh, shh, shh's & smiled as i felt his body relax & his breathing become deep & even.  Safe & secure in my arms, he slept.

As a child, I remember feeling safest & most secure when my dad was holding me in his arms.  I don't know how old i was when i outgrew that phase but recall looking on enviously when my younger sister was still small enough to be held in that same way.   I have found the last four months extremely challenging & wonder how the requirements & responsibilities of caring for my two small children can be so much greater than looking after and teaching a class of thirty ever was.  And there have been times during this period when, exhausted & overwhelmed, i would have loved to just crawl into some bigger person's arms & be gently rocked with a few 'shh, shh, shh's, and, reassured that everything would be ok, fallen to sleep. 

The love that i have for my children is like nothing i have ever experienced.  It almost seems i have no choice in the matter; i can't help but love them.  I worry about them, take pride in them, and sometimes obsess over them. i'm imperfect & maybe one day it will be more difficult than that. But I think about them more than they could know & i love them in a way that they could never love me.   I think that perhaps i love my parents because of the love they have shown me, & my love for my husband is deepened by what he brings to our relationship.  But my children - they don't have to do anything.  I love them simply because they exist.

It is difficult to imagine someone loving me in that way.  It is only in being a parent myself that i have had the smallest glimpse into the love that God says He has for me.

Ps 45 v 11 - the king is enthralled by your beauty, honour him for he is your Lord.

Zeph 3 v17 - the Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

Psalm 139 vs 5,7-9, 17 & 18
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.17 How precious to [concerning] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

 & i guess the greater difficulty is choosing to believe those words.  That they are truth & that they are meant for me.  That when I'm feeling stressed & overwhelmed, Someone Greater than me loves me simply because i exist & longs to pick me up, hold me close, gently rock me in His arms, whisper a few 'shh, shh, shh's & softly sing me to sleep. 

I'm enthralled by your beauty, I think about you more than you could know . . .I'll pursue you 'til you know how precious you are to Me. I've cried so many tears for you. I've watched you from a distance & sometimes closer than your skin. I breathed & you were and still . . . I'm captivated by you.

eyes always watching . . .

One thing i love about being a mum is the fact that i can be completely myself with my kids.  I mean, with Bugsy, i can dance around the lounge to 'hi-five' like a crazy woman (i don't dance - not even in front of my husband) and she is absolutely delighted. I can make up silly songs that don't rhyme or really even make sense & she thinks they are the greatest songs in the world.  & we love to laugh together loudly when one of us does a particularly musical 'parp'. I love the fact that she is still young enough to think that i am amazing. She watches me as i get ready in the morning & when i'm putting on my make-up, she wants 'pretty eyes' too.  She has even started using expresions like 'cool man' or 'omygosh' - phrases she has learned from me.  I've heard people say that kids are like sponges.  Just soaking up; absorbing, everything they see & hear.  & thats the problem isn't it?  A couple of weeks ago i lost my temper & yelled (i mean YELLED) at my husband & used language that precious little ears should never be subjected to.  The very same mother who is always saying 'in our family we don't use loud, shouting voices', when Bugsy gets over-excited or decides to throw a tantrum. Talk about confusing. When it was all over, I apologized to my husband but i also had to apologize to Bugsy. Which brings me to these verses:

It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin - Luke 17 v 2


Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly - James 3 v 1

And as parents of little kiddies, we are their teachers.  And you can talk to them about values & the right way to behave until you're blue in the face.  But they learn most about what you truely value by observing you in every day life. Conversations & interactions with your friends, the way in which you relate with your husband, what you choose to watch on t.v. or listen to on the radio when they're in your presence.  Or how you handle situations when the pressure is on.  Those verses are pretty heavy & its HARD.  For me its the times like when i'm late for an appointment & stuck on the highway behind an old biddy who is convinced that the speed limit is not 100k at all, its 50.  Or when i'm in the middle of cooking tea & one kid needs their nappy changed & the other one is eating the cat food. Sometimes i feel like wretched Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'  . . . "eyes always watching . . ." And i think it would be very tempting to just throw in the towel except for two facts.  I have children who are very forgiving & a God who is unfailingly gracious, who 'arms me with strength & makes my way perfect' (Ps. 18 v 32).

learning as i go

it was a beautiful mid-summers day & i was sitting on the beach listening to my sister & sister-in-law discuss the 'joys' of having babies.  The leaking boobs, sleepless nights, tearing during childbirth . . .   i distinctly remember saying 'and thats just one of the reasons i want to adopt'. It reaffirmed my feeling that pregnancy, childbirth & all they entail just weren't for me.  I'll be honest . . . it sounded painful & scary & generally unpleasant.  Yes, i'm a selfish person.  And even as a child, i was never baby crazy - unlike my sisters.  i had no real desire to hold people's babies. Occasionally someone did make the mistake of placing their child in my arms. It was inevitable that the very same baby who had smiled & cooed while being in my sisters' arms would suddenly turn to a purple, screaming mess the moment i took hold of them.  Can babies smell fear? Even as an adult i became an expert at avoiding eye contact with the baby's owner if they came near me or would politely pat the child & say something expected like 'o, isn't he cute' with as much 'genuine' enthusiasm i could muster. so, it was slightly ironic returning home from my beach holiday to discover less than a week later that i was indeed pregnant. so here i am a little over two years down the track with two little monkeys.  its been interesting to say the least. i have discovered that the whole baby thing is much more fulfilling and rewarding, and so much more challenging than i could ever have imagined .  & i wouldn't trade it for anything.